By now, most schools are back in session, and children are, hopefully, back on the right educational track. Not that everything they’re taught will stick in their brains. What goes in isn’t always what comes out, as seen by the following actual answers to test questions pulled from Richard Benson’s F in Exams: The Very Best Totally Wrong Test Answers.
Chemistry
Q: What is a nitrate? A: It is much cheaper than a day rate.
Q: Give a brief explanation of the meaning of the term “hard water.” A: Ice
Biology
Q: What is a fibula? A: A little lie
Q: What does “terminal illness” mean? A: When you become ill at the airport.
Q: What is plasmid? A: A high definition television
Physics
Q: Steve is driving his car. He is traveling at 60 feet/second and the speed limit is 40 mph. Is Steve speeding? A: He could find out by checking his speedometer.
Q: Mobile phones are very popular. Give one advantage and one disadvantage of owning a mobile phone. A: Advantage – You can order takeout for your school lunch. Disadvantage – Your parents can get hold of you at any time.
Math
Q: Write two hundred thousand in figures. A: Two hundred thousand in figures.
Q: What is a six-sided polygon known as? A: A stop sign
Business & Technology
Q: Explain the phrase “free press.” A: When your mom irons pants for you.
Q: Describe the term “stakeholder.” A: A vampire hunter. Buffy being the most famous.
Q: Joanna works in an office. Her computer is a stand-alone system. What is a stand-alone computer system? A: It doesn’t come with a chair.
Psychology
Q: Describe what is meant by “forgetting.” A: I can’t remember.
History & Geography
Q: Explain what is meant by the term “pastoral farming.” A: It’s a farm run by reverends.
Q: Define the phrase “commercial farming.” A: It is when a farmer advertises his farm on TV to get more customers.
Q: Name six animals that live specifically in the Artic. A: Two polar bears Three Four Seals
Q: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? A: At the bottom
Q: Describe the difference between the February Revolution and the October Revolution. A: One occurred in February and one occurred in October.
English
Q: Use the word “congenial” in a sentence. When you leave the gravy out too long, it congenials.
Q: Use the word “doldrums” in a sentence. I can not play the doldrums.
(Suggest an appropriate word for each of the following meanings.)
Q: An appliance or implement designed to help one do work. A: My parents and the Internet
Q: To be on water without sinking. A: Jesus
Q: Aggressive; harsh. A: My brother and my teacher Mrs. Topley
Q: Faultless or highly skilled. A: My answers!
Funny?
In his book, Mr. Benson contended that these students, when confronted with a test question they couldn’t answer, decided to have a little fun. Since his book was compiled and published more than a decade ago—long before Covid—he was probably right.
And while in today’s Covid-world a child’s education is no laughing matter, you can’t help but chuckle at these students’ creative responses and wonder . . . did any become fiction authors?
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