As the saying goes, location is everything. That applies to some work excuses, too.
Animals
At least once every year, work took me to Alaska, where my corporate headquarters was located. I learned that Alaska and Texas are different in many ways. One of which is what constitutes an acceptable excuse for running late or missing work entirely.
For example, when a moose (or bear) decides to stand in your driveway, going to work is put on hold. Even if you can get to your car safely, there’s no driving away until the moose decides to move. That excuse doesn’t fly in Texas. Can you imagine calling your boss and saying, “Hey, I’m not going to make it in today because there’s an armadillo in my driveway.” (Well, not unless it’s that giant, beer-drinking armadillo that used to attack the Lone Star Beer trucks.)
While the moose excuse won’t work in most states, animals do play a starring role in many “I’m-not-coming-into-work-because…” excuses.
Did You Know…
Employees used these animal-related excuses for not going to work:
- Bats got in my hair.
- A cow broke into my house, and I have to wait for the insurance man.
- A chicken attacked my mother.
- A fox stole my car keys while I slept.
- I climbed a tree to help a cat down and got stuck.
- I have a crocodile in my house.
- A swarm of bees surrounded my car, and I couldn’t get in it.
- I was bitten by a mosquito.
- My dog asked me to stay home.
Illness
One of the most often used reasons for not going to work is illness, either of the employee themself or their children or pets. But the following aren’t really acceptable.
Did You Know…
Employees used these pet illness excuses for missing work:
- My puppy’s having a psychological breakdown.
- My llama won’t stop barfing.
- My goldfish is ill.
- My cat has hiccups.
- My dog’s depressed.
- My pet hamster is having an existential crisis, and I need to talk to it.
Employees claimed these personal illness excuses to explain their absence:
- I ate cat food instead of tuna and became deathly ill.
- I got stuck in the blood pressure machine at the grocery store and couldn’t get out.
- I think I’ve contracted a monkey sickness from my excursion to the zoo!
- I got a paper cut!
- I have an extremely infectious disease that hasn’t been named yet.
- I accidentally glued my hands together while trying to craft a greeting card for a friend.
- My false teeth flew out the window while driving down the highway.
- My fake eyelashes got stuck together.
- I developed an alternative personality last night, and it said not to go to work.
Employees skipped work using these mental lapse excuses:
- I forgot I’d been hired.
- I accidentally drove to my former employer’s building. (Even though I haven’t worked there for five years.)
- My grandmother died. (This employee forgot he’d used this excuse four times in one month.)
Home and Transportation
Other reasons for not going to work center around home and/or transportation emergencies. We’ve all had them, but the ones listed here are too unbelievable.
Did You Know…
Employees had problems getting to work because:
- Someone glued my doors and windows shut.
- I locked myself in my house by mistake and I don’t have any windows to crawl out of.
- I’m stuck under the bed.
- The bus broke down and the driver wouldn’t let me off.
- A twelve-year-old girl stole my car.
- I accidentally flushed my car keys down the toilet.
- I couldn’t find parking
- I accidentally got on a plane.
- I’m going to the beach because the doctor said I needed more vitamin D.
Other
Some excuses can be stupidly simple, while others are more interesting and colorful. But, I’d caution you not to use any of these.
Did You Know…
Employees used these simple but stupid excuses to explain their absence:
- My roots are showing. I need to go to my hair appointment because I look like a mess.
- Someone stole all my shoes.
- I have no clean clothes.
- I can’t decide what to wear.
- My uniform caught fire when I was trying to dry it in the microwave.
Employees explained not going to work with these colorful excuses:
- My psychic told me not to go.
- I have to attend the funeral of my wife’s cousin’s pet, because I’m an uncle and a pallbearer.
- I have to mow the lawn to avoid a lawsuit from the Homeowners’ Association.
- My dead grandmother is being exhumed for a police investigation.
- Police are raiding my home.
- It’s a secret. If I tell you, you’ll be in grave danger.
- There’s a “hit” out on me.
- Grandma tried to poison me. Again.
Final Thoughts
It’s best not to miss work too often. However, when it happens, the sooner you notify your supervisor, the better. Be professional, honest, and brief.
And please don’t use either of my two favorite excuses:
(Most Honest) I woke up in a good mood and don’t want to ruin it by going to work.
(Most Creative) I just realized I’m a time traveler, and I’m stuck in the wrong year. I need a day to adjust.